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I've tried; initiate; persist for a while.
I don't know what I am doing. A part of me was saying no, another was saying yes, and the rest saying I don't know. This is when everybody should questioned themselves; if we wouldn't able to answer what we really want, how would the other partner know too. (As usually, when we asked, and the answer is gonna be "I don't know", we would be really pissed. But look who's talking.. LOL!)
Maybe, I should, learn to, let go..
It's easier said than done. LOL.
Tried for years already, and look where I am at now?!
I know myself. I will, ALWAYS, look back, regret. No matter what I've done. SHIT. (Nah, except shitting, LOL.) Due to this, I did something, so that I hope I won't return, but now, I regretted. And it's late to say so. And well, it really did stop me from returning, somehow. And cause what I am at now, dilemma. blaaaaaa. (Ya la, I shouldn't. No elia no!)
I've called, msned, called, smsed. Replies were short, or no reply. All are signs huh? (Or not?)
Got to see this scene in a hong kong drama, playing about this couple: the girl going japan to study, and the guy promise to wait for her return. But in the end, he broke off with the girl, and apologise for breaking his promise. =( Well, yeaa. When reality strikes, a guy/girl changes his/her heart, the other party can do nothing, but to accept the fact. There's really little thing we can do. Actually, nothing. NOTHING.
I just wanna say, I know I've tried.
Haiya, what elia need to learn: Learn to let go. Learn to love, in the process of dating (not everytime after losing it). Learn to DRIVE. LOL.
HAIYAAAAAA. Another problem. I seriously have no confidence in passing my driving license. Plus, elia got no much money for practice, already. =( I wanna pass can!?! Please!
Argh.
Everything is still fine, and I thought this won't strike me, not as soon as today, 6 days, the 6th day after I arrived sg.
My right eyelid twitched today. I thought, being home, wouldn't have any sad things happened to me. Didn't know this actually, also consider as one. Blaa, nonsense elia.
I don't know why. Why today? Maybe I am too free. Or maybe too much of...
I wanna know. But I know I shouldn't. Usually Elia act upon impulsiveness. Hence, usually after a while, elia will tell herself, no, you shouldn't do this. And yea, I know, I shouldn't. Since, it's like this. I can't, and please don't. Things will get complicated.
At these point of time, I actually thought, I should really get back to Australia, real early.
On my way home today, everything so familiar, so many memories. As usual, stupid elia talk about memories again. I thought, maybe a remote spot would be a good idea for people to move on real quickly. Though I still think of in Australia. But at least at that point of time I know I am farther down there.
And maybe, a better place or activities to aid in this type of matter would be doing some volunteering work. For instance, like going to africa, thailand or whatever, some third world countries which technology is not as advance. No internet, no phone, no nothing. Totally cut you off from other part of the globe. Lead you to no choice to have any news, contact from that someone. In addition, volunteering work meaning, doing something, having something to keep you busy. Brilliant right?! ahahahaha. For once I think I am smart. But elia must have the courage to do so.
I don't how to say, who to tell. And most importantly, tell for what? ahaha. Everyone must be tire of my nonsense. I know, I keep moving back and forth. And I know, like what you all say, I shouldn't do this anymore. And I know too. I shouldn't. I can't.
Facebook-ing as usual. Look at some profiles. I seriously think. I am not up for anything. I don't know what is the four letter word. How can someone possibly feel sad for everything. LOL. And I conclude. I am just a sad person, emo person. That's all. And it explains a lot. I just like to be sad.
Sour, heartache, all fake. They are just component in making somebody feel so real at times, and is a building blocking for the making of "sad".
Sorry blog, you must have hear this for umpteen times. More to go. But I know. I will control. ahahahahahaha.
='(
Sometimes, it's not as easy as you think you can do it.
ALOHAAAAA SINGAPORE!! LOL. My friends, and family. OOOO, things changed man. LOL. A lot of things had changed. Everything seems so familiar, but yet, something new is observed. Tiny little bits anywhere. First day touched down, shop a bit at DFS for mum's present. And, went to eat, MEE SIAM. First food ate since touch down. NICEEE, STILL THE SAME TASTE AS IT IS IN MY MEMORY. kekekekeke.
Then, went back home, unpack, wash clothes, hang, and out to westmall. Hmmm, changes observed too in westmall. AHAHAHA. Anyways, got to meet sweeteng and gina. They changed man. Become, addicted to arcade games. LOL. ahahahaha. Haiyoo, still dun understand what the game mean, but anyways, they saw me, and see the fatness in me too.
Gahhhh, I admit, I grow fat. EEEE, an additional 2.5 kg had followed me from brisbane to sg. EEEE. Sads. Tummy fatter, and gina said, arms too. SAd sad sad. Like that how to come back and continue eating all the food that I had miss so much. =(
Now I care, later don't know, maybe, most probably, don't care too. kekekeke. Shitss. Can foresee myself being fat. Arghhhhh. Sigh.
Went to gina's house for mahjiong session afterwards. And had my second local specialty, Laska! lol. Niceee, but haven mum mum cockles yet, =(
Well, actually plan to find sandy, but she is busy. And by the time I call, it's also quite late.
Planned to meet minah, but unfortunately, elia fell asleep. =( Sorry minah. =(
I guess, I am definitely not made of metal/steel/iron, whatever. ahahaha. I never really sleep that long during the flight, or maybe I did (from what loga said). Don't know, to me, quite short. But anyway, the point is, elia haven have enough sleep, and after touch down, elia never get to sleep. So I guess body feeling tire, and protest by falling asleep. LOL.
Now, day 2. Boringggggggg~ Nothing to do at home. And, well, don't the problem lies in me, or what. The internet at home seems sloww too. =( Maybe I over-expect it.
Phew~ things starts to get better.
B.A.C.K.
Well, now is 6.30 am in the morning. Did I mention what time I sleep and wake up nowadays? LOL. I wake up at 5 pm, and sleep in the morning around 7 am ? Depends on my tiredness. LOL. After I mention, my eyes starts to feel heavy, blaaaaaaaa.
Hmmm, come to think of it. Though I am anal in something. She is also anal in something too. Blaa. Just, nobody is perfect. And at least I know, some of my flaws. (for improvement..) Maybe she knows hers too? Elia also got get scolded when I am found to be overusing something? And she is too. Maybe because I mention to her before, hence, my karma.
Well, hopes I get to fall asleep fast later. I don't know. Though I am always said to be noisy, I think we are the same. Sometimes I too find it noisy, but I have no idea how to say it out. Hence, elia will just swallow the ti-bit of unhappiness. Blaa, I know I am petty. Sorry.
Blaa, that's why I wanted to move out and live alone. Isn't it better? Lesser chances of "abrasions". In which, nobody will be said anal of anything? Everybody will have a happy ending? Good friend, real smile, real reactions. Love each other more, at least a ti-bit more than now? kekeke.
But things always aren't that easy to settle. Blaaaaa. Money? And need to scout for another place, where it is reasonable. And need time to adapt, all over again? Blaaa. Don't know how.
Is there anyway to minimize the problems? Haiyaaaaaaaa. Life sux.
Sorry for complaining so much. I just need some place to drown my petty-ness. Blaaaa, I know I shouldn't feel this way, shouldn't think this way. Sorry. I am also quite disappointed in myself. Struggling to be good. I wish I am less self-centered too. Though I say so much, you still weigh a lot to me okay. Don't get me wrong. If any way, anyone feel that I am being evil here, talking bad about somebody, shouldn't say this, please informed me to delete the post. Blaaa.
=( Hope I won't be not happy.
Exams are around the corner. Yet, elia still hasn't really start studying. What's wrong with me? I do anything but to study. Haiyaaaa. I seriously can't stand myself, but why am I still not studying?
People around me are having exams now. And my exams are like in one week time. Yet.. I seriously have no self-discipline. How can I build one now?
I want myself to start studying, and not lazing around. But how? Eeeee. I am seriously in a holiday mood. Do everything, cook, groceries shopping, went out, but start studying. (thou I feel the tension when the days are nearing, but I simply just drift. I hate myself for doing so.)
I don't seems to know a lot of things. And the current major issue is, I don't even seems to know how to control myself. =(
Well, just now something minor happened. Is just that my roommate took the wrong bowl of spaghetti, and I am like saying she took the wrong one and stuff. Though I thought, it quite an issue, cause, I don't wanna have so much, and I seriously thought she has a lot left. (I am thinking if she has enough.. but after pointing out to her, I find it quite redundant, am have no idea why I say all that.) Well, if you know me well enough, I just like to clarify stuff. Is not that I mind she taking my bowl of spaghetti, but just that I wan her to know she take the wrong one. (Though, sometimes, I seriously have no idea why I wan to clarify things still.)
Like when I know I had done something, and people accuse (or don't remember the incident), but I seriously remember it, so I will just say it, to clarify it. Thought it's quite meaningless. But I find that I have the right to clarify myself, and make it known. So for whoever has done it, they have their credit. And just to make sure everything is in a "fair-fair" situation, nobody feel they have been mistreat, or done anything extra. That's why I wanna make things very clear. Well, maybe this way, people do misunderstand me, or thought that I am anal, Sorry,
Okay, the point is, I am like that. I point it out, not because I wan back my spaghetti, but just to inform you that you are not having yours. So if you doesn't have enough, you can take some from "mine". Haiyaa. Whatever ah. I like I am anal at times. Don't know how people tolerant me also.
Blaaa, I oversee some conversation, complaining about me being this anal. So sorry. I don't know how to react thou.
After I being anal, I did think about it, and found it redundant, so I thought I should apologize. And I did. But I oversee the convo after. Don't how to react. Nothing much I can do, but to pretend I never saw.
LOL. Don't what happen. Why did I become like that. And why we become like that. Though we are best friend. But, why are we so fake. Why we can't say it to our best friend. I guess, it's normal to complain to someone? And it can be hurtful to tell them straight in their face?
I don't know. I did wonder, if someone say that straight in my face, how will I react? I don't know? I thought it would be good. But this is what I THOUGHT, but in actual situation, I don't know if it's the same as I thought or not.
Well, I'm not angry about that. Because I know I am at fault. Just like, I sometimes find people are anal about somethings too. The point for saying all this is not to back stab my friend and tell the whole world. But just, how I sort out my thoughts. Because, people have family, boyfriend and friends to talk to. I do have friends and family too, but I did tried to reach out for some, but they are not available. (Well, I am not complaining, I swear upon my heart.) And I thought, this is my blog, and is 24/7 always with me. So I thought, I could share this with my blog.
I know I always do thing without thinking, so if I really offend anybody, I apologize. I seriously, had lost myself, my mind, till, I don't know what is right or wrong now.
Oh ya, apart from this, I feel so sorry for my ex boyfriend and friends. I don't know how you all can stand me for who I am, but I sincerely appreciate you all, for still taking me as friend, and tolerant my nonsense. Especially my ex boyfriend (I know you won't be seeing this, but who cares, I am pouring out my thoughts to my blog), I am so sorry if I had mistreat you, badly. You know my memory, I only do things when I remember. So if I remember I am bad, I will treat you good. And I guess, this is what friends are for? Maybe?
I'm still on my path on learning this process, slowly. And it enlighten me something, that though friends complain and all, they still love you. So, if you happen to hear other people say of what your friend complain about you, don't get angry, but learn from it. They are all flaws,(thus people complain about it), hence is good that all must go away. -I hope I am right. If anyone disagree with me, you can talk to me about this. I am willing to listen and change, cos I am in the mid of learning too.
Well, I seriously need to start studying. But I had procrastinate it for so long. Anybody? Any idea how I can push myself? =( I feel so sorry for my dad, my family. I know, you all must be feeling very disappointed in me.
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I really mean it.
Elia stop being flaky!!! LOL.
Blaaaaaa, it's impossible now. Nothing can be done. But why shadows of him appearing everywhere, saying "if you were here..."
Blaaaa, I know, I am the one. But it takes both hands to clap.
He is good. I am not good.
Why can't he be the one, at least, not into gamer. Blaaaaaa. Or is it me asking too much.
Elia, impossible. Forget it. Flaky moron. Go study!!
If only, you are not gamer. If only, I felt your love.
If only, I persist a little bit more. If only, I am not flaky.
If only...
=(
I am so stupid.
I regretted.
I just need someone by my side now.
How useless.
='(
